Circles and Grief

That white spotted owl showed up again... I heard it last night. 

Some say owls are a messenger of death.  But I've also read that owls symbolize wisdom and endurance.  Regardless, it keeps finding me...

The other day, I bid farewell (with the rest of Arkansas) to an iconic radio legend, Tommy Smith. I went on the show to say goodbye the day before his last show on-air. The next morning, I listened to his goodbye, and the tears just did not stop.  Granted, he is a dear friend to me. But I think the tears were about more than his goodbye...

I sat with the emotion (not an easy task for me) and the grief eventually overwhelmed, as it is known to do. I realized it was one year ago, I, too, said goodbye to a 29-year broadcast life I lived, which felt like an afterthought, fogged by the bitter goodbye I was saying to my sweet momma.  One year ago, I held her hand as she lay dying. 

These moments are huge. Sometimes so big that you cannot grasp the gift of it at the moment it's being given. Or is it a gift? These ridiculously magical, tough moments we see and feel?  Or is it just part of the human experience? An experience that is so precious, whether difficult or delightful?  

To be truthful, I've barely been able to think about it, her death.  Hardly able to even go through her clothes, jewelry, and personal belongings - even a year later. Her suffering was so great in the end, we wished for God to take her.  I remember feeling so guilty for that.  Because today, what I would give to hold her hand! 

Grief is not what I thought it would be.  No one prepares you for it. And frankly, our culture does a crappy job of accepting it. We want it tidy and clean and done in a short time - on to be happy! ..on to be productive!  ..when the idea of either of those things in the face of loss is simply exhausting.  They say to be tough is to be fragile.  But the truth of the matter is - I've worn a shield most of the year, thinking that I had to be "strong..." I put on a smile anyway and fought through the sadness under the backdrop of enormous grief. 

I don't do resolutions, but I think as I step forward this year, I'd like to leave behind the shield and armor covering up the reality of my broken heart. I'd like to welcome in grace and compassion - and let my children and the world see that.  Wouldn't that be a better lesson for our children than to teach them to always be happy and productive?  What if, instead, we taught them mercy and goodwill?  

Maybe that spotted owl is onto something as it circles around my existence?  This beautiful creature believed to be a guardian of sacred knowledge!  I keep going back to something I read recently. One of my favorites, a reminder that we are all just circling through this life, never knowing when our time is up. 

Black Elk Speaks

You have noticed that everything man does is in a circle.Everything the Power of the World does is done in a circle. The sky is round, and I have heard that the earth is round like a ball, and so are all the stars. The wind, in its greatest power, whirls. Birds make their nests in circles, for theirs is the same religion as ours. The sun comes forth and goes down again in a circle. The moon does the same, and both are round. Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing, and always come back again to where they were. The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood, and so it is in everything where power moves.