When I was a little girl, I loved baby dolls. I always spread out one of my baby blankets on the soft grass and lined up all my precious babies side-by-side (funny that my little girl now does the same thing!). I remember back then dreaming of the three children I just knew I would one day have when I grew up. I don't know why I picked the number three. Just a feeling I had. Just sounded kinda perfect, I guess.
But life is not perfect.
It just never seems to work out like you plan.
Someone once told me that when you don't get what you want, when all roads lead to nowhere, when circumstances don't make sense anymore, it just means there's a much bigger, much greater plan for your life. Simple as that, and you better start the business of preparing for it. That God, the Universe (whatever you believe) is trying to give you everything you dream, just maybe not in the form you thought.
Another friend reminded me one time of a famous quote, something like... life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.
When I stop and think about it, it's so true. It's the most mundane moments that make life good. It's the breakfast table chaos and the hurried rush to get to school on time and the kiss in the car as my sweet kindergartner hops out to start his life. It's the small chunks of oatmeal I find caked on the new puppy (which at the moment infuriates me but I laugh about later). It's sweet children's voices I hear in the other room when I'm making dinner as they create a new game to play. It's the time-outs and the messes, right alongside the picture-perfect smiling, happy moments that are all truly worth gold. It's even finishing up the potty training of my two kids and beginning all over again with the new puppy, who requires constant trips outside at all hours of the day and night (which at times I curse).
Meaning is definitely not found in the what-ifs and the questioning and pleading and bargaining. Believe me, I've spent hours and days and months driving down those dead-end roads. Not found in the wondering what will become of my life, my children's lives.... that plagues my mind at times. For sure I find no meaning (only frustration and fear) in the moments I scream 'why?'- why this?, why me?, why this situation?
Doesn't matter. Does not matter. Never will matter why. It is what it is, and I may as well roll up my sleeves and get to work living and thanking God I'm here another day gifted with the opportunity to find the love and forgiveness and grace in every situation....
And so here we are. Me and my three. The holy trinity. The magic number. Past, present, future - all being created right here, right now. I think the best thing I could ever do ... is just see, appreciate, and trust that the answers are always, always right there. Right in front of my face.