The White Spotted Owl

When I saw the white, spotted owl on my morning walk yesterday, I knew it meant something. Can't explain it.  But I stopped in my tracks.  My dog noticed it too.  It was like a notice.  Pay attention. 

I didn't think about it again.  Until this morning. When I was walking in the very same spot.  I didn't see the owl.  But I grabbed my phone and made a very important call.

Today is one of the best days of my life. At 3:18am, October 20, 2008, I gave birth to a precious, perfect baby girl.  Every detail is still so crystal clear:  the spicy chili I made (I had heard spicy foods induce labor; the contraction while I was chopping onions; the next one... and the next; the bedtime prayer with my son, telling him tomorrow he would be a big brother; the drive to the hospital and the call I made to my mom saying I was certain baby girl was on her way; the harsh hospital lights when I walked in that night; falling asleep and the nurse later waking me to say, "time to push;" the magic I felt when I held my daughter for the first time...  

I laid awake staring at her until the sun came up.  Never did I know such unconditional love for a girl until that moment!  But what followed is the kind of story with a juxtaposition so great, you can't ignore it - or ever forget it.  

My phone rang.

"Dawn, I am so sorry to call with this news, but our dear friend Anne Pressly was attacked. 

WHAT?

Another friend:  "I am so happy for you, Dawn.  But this is really bad."

All the words blended into a melting pot of horror.. unrecognizable, overnight attack, beaten, never showed up for the morning show... 

Then, someone told me that her precious mom picked up the phone to call Pressly.  It was her morning wake up call for her daughter, who's job was the same as mine, just a different hour of the day.  Anne did not answer.  

I imagine for her mom, it was the kind of knowing -deep in your gut- when you just feel you know. Something horrible happened.  The rest of Anne's story is not what this blog is about, though.  It's about a mother's love for her daughter. 

I sat staring in awe at mine, who'd just taken her first breath.  I couldn't stop thinking about Anne, who was taking her last breaths. I couldn't stop thinking about her mother who was living a nightmare. 

I later found out that the moment I gave birth was the moment Anne was fighting to stay alive.  It has haunted me ever since. I've never written about it until today, 13 years later. My daughter is 13.  Anne's mother marks 13 years without hers. 

When I passed the spot where I saw that white spotted owl, I instinctively called Anne Pressly's mom.  The moment we heard each other's voices, there were immediate tears.  She didn't want to talk about Anne, though.  She wanted to hear all about my daughter. What she is like.  What she loves.  Her personality...   turns out, my girl is a lot like Anne, her mother told me. Both have a wicked sense of humor, bold and courageous, yet humble and kind, giving special attention to those who may be marginalized or 'different.'   

Two mommas who share a sacred, holy moment in time...

I find myself asking why.  Screaming it, really.  WHY? 

Why do I get to talk to my daughter everyday and she doesn't?  Why did mine get the privilege of life on this beautiful planet and hers did not? Why do I get to celebrate my girl's birthday and she does not?  

Today on the phone, Anne's mom said to me, "I take it one day at a time, Dawn.  I want to remember the hugs and the kiss, when I kissed her on the forehead."  She went on to say that "God has a way of blotting out the horror... the suffering dissipates." Her incredible, unwavering faith is what carries her. 

In the conversation, I shared that my mom had died earlier this year.  She said to me, "I am here for you. Let me help you learn to nourish you and lean on God." 

An incredible woman, mother- sharing wisdom and endurance, born out of a pain most of us will never know.

Later, I looked up what that white, spotted owl symbolized.  Guardian spirits who protect us, representing wisdom and endurance.  We all have them, if only we stop to pay attention. 

Grief, Braces, Loss, Coronavirus and the "Mother lode"

It was pouring rain.  A complete pathetic fallacy, looking back at the events of January 7th.

My 12-year old was beside herself all morning.  On the way to the appointment, she looked at me and smiled so big past those nerves that were wearing her down. I snapped a picture. We realized it was the last time in 2 years she'd be smiling without a mouth full of metal.  We were on our way to get braces.

It wasn't just her anxiety that was through the roof.  My mother was in home hospice.  Her health had deteriorated.  Death was imminent.  Every time I left her side, I feared it would be the last time I'd see her alive. 

Yet life didn't care that death was hovering that day.  Children must go to school.  Daughters need braces.  Appointments made months ago require you to show up.  Life carries on.  

But when it came to mom, death won the day.

Mom would never see her granddaughter with braces.  

After the appointment, I rushed back to my mother's side.  Her heart rate dropped.  Her breathing was rapid.  My aunt (her primary caregiver) and I looked at each other through tears, realizing it was the end. 

In a sweep of grace, the three of us lived through something so sacred, so beautiful, yet heart-wrenching, all at once.  We held her and prayed, as mom took her last breath. 

Everything that followed has not been so beautiful.  Yet wise souls in my life remind me constantly: in life, all that doesn't seem so beautiful is truly the "Mother lode," if you choose to search for those gifts buried deep in the mud.

(Mother lode: "a principal vein or zone of gold or silver ore.  The term is also used colloquially to refer to the real or imaginary origin of something valuable or in great abundance.")

I'm not sure I've found ANY silver (aside from the silver on my daughter's teeth).  But I've found a whole lot of grief and sadness. I certainly haven't found gold.  But I have found that my circle of friends and family have hearts of gold, so large and loving, they've lifted and supported me when I couldn't get out of that mud. 

I also found coronavirus.  Or it found me just a few weeks after mom died. It was a one-two sucker punch, and I took it real personal.  Three days in, I found myself as sick as I've ever been in my life. I was beyond exhausted.  I slept and slept, and I felt like I was never waking up better. Only waking up wondering if my mom's death and the virus were all just a nightmare.  The massive winter storm during illness and grief was yet another pathetic fallacy.

(Pathetic fallacy: the idea that the weather mirrors human emotions)

It was the winter of my life. Yet the snowfall seemed too much.  If I were writing a novel about these events, I wouldn't have used snowfall as a back drop, because it would seem just too melodramatic. 

After 3 weeks, I recovered from COVID-19.  But I don't know what the coming months will bring or if I will have any lasting or "new" symptoms pop up.  Whether you've been sick or not, the pandemic stole from all of us. It took the way we lived, worked, traveled and learned, and it forced us to hunker down and avoid death.  Yet half a million in our nation so far didn't avoid death.  Coronavirus collectively took a year of our life expectancy in the United States.  

It feels heavy. Illness and death swirls everywhere.  

To carry on without mom makes it worse.  Mothers are our pathway to life on earth. Moms get us here.  

I know the load will lighten.  For now, I'll take over as matriarch to my amazing son and daughter, and when she smiles, I'll at least see silver.  A constant reminder to keep searching for the Mother lode.  One day, I know sunshine will reveal the gold embedded deep inside this shattered landscape.  

My daughter, just after getting her braces

My beautiful momma

The things people say (and why they don't matter)

Since I announced I’m leaving television news at the end of 2020, people have said all kinds of crazy things to me. 

One friend specifically felt the need to warn me, saying  I will lose people I consider “friends” because, as he put it, “they’ll have no use for you anymore since you’re not in a powerful position on TV.”  Really?! I thought.  Another shared that they felt I “had it all” and questioned why on earth I would ever give up a coveted spot on-air.  Others have asked me if I think this is a smart thing to do in the middle of a pandemic. 

Honestly, none of this is a surprise to me.  As a single mom with a very public job, people have felt the urge to say anything they wanted to me over the years.  But I’ve actually already thought about what they've recently said before they even said it.  I figure, I’ll find out who is true and supportive - and who isn't.  And yes, it’s a risk!  But what’s riskier to me is NOT making the move.  Being home with my children while broadcasting from my living room showed me exactly the risk of me not being there. Plus, I will be working (I have to!).  I'll just be doing something that gives more flexibility. My children deserve to have me as much as they can. The pandemic taught so many of us that nothing is more important than home and family.  

What’s been so beautiful, though, is that aside from the skeptics, so many more friends, much to my great appreciation, shared that they believe this is 100% the right move.  One friend told me she thought it was the best decision I could’ve made, and she GAINED respect for me for choosing children as my number one priority. 

This decision has not come without fear, though.  Daily news is what I’ve known for 25 years of my life.  That is more than half of my time on earth!  I’ve been with one station for 21 of those years, and my heart is tied there.  Tied to viewers, to amazing co-workers, and to managers who worked with me to create a workable schedule.  I lived through so much there. My work was a refuge during tough times in my personal life.  It's been a second home with a work family who laughs and cries with me.  I grew up there, and my children grew up as “TV kids.”  Before the pandemic, I recall we were at a restaurant.  A random man walked up to our table, and as he was en route, my son warned, “Mom, strange viewer-person coming behind you on your left.”  The man wasn’t strange at all.  He kindly shared gratitude for my commitment to children in foster care, then left us alone.  But it pointed out a sobering truth for me, even back then. My kids have had to share me with so many people we don't even know, and even worse for them, they’ve known their place.  Number one in my heart, but number two when it came to the hours of 2:30p until nearly 8p.  Evening news dominated those hours, and nothing about that would ever change.  

I never believed until now that I had another choice. But through the coronavirus pandemic, we’ve learned there’s choice and flexibility in so many things.  We choose our attitude before we ever get out of bed. We choose gratitude, or we focus on what we don’t have.  We choose action or complaint. We choose fear or love.  We choose whether we trust in God when something new is dreamt and placed on our hearts.  We choose how to spend the precious hours each of us has been given.  We’ve all seen that if we aren’t creative and resilient during these outrageous times, we won’t make it. We’ve learned what matters to each of us.  

Initially, when we first heard the words “covid nineteen,” some of us thought, “this is the end.”  For some, it has been, in such a heartbreaking way.  For others who wondered if it really was the end, it was an opportunity to re-define who we are and where our focus belongs. Mine is on “home” and a son and daughter who are now #1 every day, every hour of the day. 

With that as my priority, does it really matter if a lose a friend based on whether I’m on TV?  Do I really have it all if what's important is out of line? If I don’t make a change now, then when? 

We have one go around (I think).  I have to believe at the end of mine, I won’t be wishing I spent more hours on television and will simply wish I had more time home, with the ones who matter most. 

Rooted

I've started typing this so many times.

I have opened this blog countless times since the pandemic and

I have writer's block, and I can't figure out

Okay, 2020.  Stop already.  

Covid, take a seat. We're sick of you.

I don't even know what this blog post will be about - or where it will lead. Or whether it will be worth reading.  But I suppose that is just our new way of being right now.  Don't know where we're collectively headed.  No clue when or how this will all end.  Fuzzy trying to envision what this will look like on the other side.

But I think I'm learning that is okay. 

Did we know where we were headed before the pandemic? Did we know where it would end?  Unless we're fortune tellers I don't think so..

It started to make me think... we are constantly grasping for solid ground, a sturdy foundation on which to stand. I think so many of us make the common mistake of finding our footing in:

• Good health
• A safe, secure job
• Financial security 
• Our children behaving properly
• Our family's health and happiness
• Routine
• A solid marriage or relationships

Yet if any of these are the basis for our 'base,' what happens when: the job goes away? When money is tight?  When we get a bad medical diagnosis? When our children are on a bad path or our loved one is sick? When routine falls to the wayside?

Placing it all on elements that could change at any moment, well, it's frankly a fragile way to define stability, and it just leaves us grasping.  

The pandemic forced all of us to answer tough questions. For me: "Where am I rooted? And it is steady?"  

I don't think I'm alone in saying that 2020 year has pushed us to the edge. Anxiety looms. Fear is in the air.  The end seems nowhere in sight. There's fighting over what's truth and what's not.  Few of us are certain of what to believe or where we stand. I feel like it's more important than ever before for each of us to ask that one question: where am I rooted? 

Perhaps the pandemic is pushing us to evolve.  Perhaps it's asking each of us to reflect on how we are living on our lives, who we are loving, where we are spending our time and energy.  

And these are good questions to ask.

Because here's the thing. If each of us grows ourselves, it adds to the collective growth of our society. And who doesn't agree that our society needs to mature right now? 

I'm still answering the question.  But one of my answers shifted my perspective so dramatically that my heart and my soul are forever changed.  And for me, it all revolves around home and family, a re-thinking of my role at home and the privilege it is to shape tiny, growing lives.

Where am I rooted?... 

.. a question worth answering. After all, it was Winston Churchill who said, "Never let a good crisis go to waste."

When Life Gives You Lemons...

I officially lost it.  

Yes.  Yelling.  Things I said that I really wish I could take back.  Yes.  In front of the children.  

I don’t want to admit this to anyone.  It’s embarrassing.  It feels dark.  It feels shameful.  I really wish it hadn’t happened.  

But I can’t help but think I’m not the only mom losing it about right now.  I can’t help but feel I’m not the only one sandwiched between these beautiful children (who are about to crawl out of their skin they’re so sick of being cooped up) and elderly parents (who remain shut-in per my orders).  

The string of underlying angst is more than all of us can bear.  Not only are we coming apart in our homes - homes that have become gyms, schools, restauarants, and  salons - we walk out side, terrified to get too close to a neighbor and literally jumping back at the grocery story if you round the corner and nearly run into someone.  

How and where is the peace of mind?   

It’s just doesn’t seem to be “out there” right now.  Not in our culture.  And collectively, we are weary.  We are tired.  Exhausted.  We see no end in sight.  

Everyone is grieving something.  Whether it’s a precious human being, or a job, or a sport, or a teacher, or a friend, or a place - and no one’s grief is greater than anyone else’s.  It may seem trite to mourn not being able to see a friend or not being able to retire as soon as you’d hoped when someone you know  just lost their father or mother or sister to this wretched virus.  But your grief is just as real.  

Anyway, back to the meltdown.  It was over Snapchat.  OF ALL THE THINGS!  It’s usually always something small and insignificant though when you’re dealing with heaviness, right? 

My daughter is too young for it, but she’s close in age to the time we allowed our son to have it.  She begged and begged.  We broke down and said “yes,” and there was an immediate breaking-of-the-rules. So I did what every great mother in the history of good mothers did and LOST MY SH*%!! 

I took back Snapchat moments after I’d given it (which I should’ve never relented and allowed in the first place). I screamed all kinds of things, then got very upset and down over my outburst.  And since there’s no leaving the house, the children were privy to it all. 

This morning, I “pleaded the coronavirus,” when we gathered to discuss the series of unfortunate events. I apologized and tried my very best to point out my parenting failure and mistakes and use it as a learning opportunity - to say that none of us is perfect, these are uncertain times, and, while it’s not okay to react as I did, we can all do our best to understand that we will ALL probably have at least one fall-apart before it’s all over with.

When I called to confess and cry to my aunt (I trust her with my entire life, by the way), the first thing she said was, “Where is your gratitude, sweetie?  Where is your grace?”  I burst into tears.  My gratitude and grace had disappeared.  Went away with all the peace of mind that’s gone too.  But in that same moment, I realized that peace of mind is within.  So is the gratitude.. so is the grace. I’ve spent this day counting up every single thing I could be grateful for.  And in every moment I began to beat myself up (with the WORST of self-talk) over what had happened, I just stopped and said the word “grace.”  G-R-A-C-E.  Courteous goodwill.  Divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration.  

So, right now, I offer to you what she offered to me.  Gratitude and grace.  Drop the level of expectation right now.  Let go of what was. Be thankful for what is, even if it’s just the air you breathe in this very moment.  Allow yourself peace of mind.  Give yourself grace for where you are right now.  Because you’re right where you’re supposed to be.  We all are. 

xoxo 

TikTok, An Access Letter & Our Invisible Enemy

It took a TikTok video to finally send me into tears.  TikTok.  The app I've grown to both love and hate.

Since March 11, when the pandemic showed it's ugly face in my community, it's been a non-stop rush to calmly inform, uncover and report facts to thousands of people who rely on me everyday.  Not fear-based, incorrect, shrill information.  Just the plain 'ole truth.  These days it takes some real thoughtfulness and digging to actually find it.  Needless to say, there really hasn't been a moment for me to stop to process what this all means.

Until I saw the 25 second TikTok..

I was home with my children.  Thankfully, they've been decently proactive about getting their schoolwork done.  It's going pretty well!  It took some adjusting in the first couple of days, but we're are trying for somewhat of a routine at this point.  Honestly, it's utter chaos! And that's okay.  But we are doing our best..  aren't we all?

Anyway, we were all home a couple nights ago, and I'd been rushing to update the growing number of people infected in our community with this invisible enemy.  My daughter came up to me, and excitedly said, "Mom! Look at the TikTok I made."

Thinking it would be one of these weird, viral dances their generation posts, I sluggishly looked away from my phone - to her phone- except this time, I was stunned.

Her post read, "My last year at Forest Park (elementary school), and I might not get to finish it 😢😢 I love you so much FP! Thank you for my great years here.."  The song lyrics "You Were Good To Me," accompanied photos of my sweetest girl with her best friends from the first day of school, until now.

Now.

What is "now" anyway?  This new reality, this new way of living, this new thing called "social-distancing."  This disruption and utter removal of all things we thought made life fun, worth living.  No March Madness.  Just a new madness.  Friends of ours now unemployed.  Friends with family in nursing facilities infected with thing we cannot see, hear, or touch - keeping us all from touching each other.  Her first day of school -living our old normal - up until now.

Her beautiful post showed me that the most basic, taken-for-granted things - as simple as the school bell every morning, daily friendships on the playground, a last school year at a beloved elementary - those things are gone for her.

The next day at the television station, I was given my "access letter" from the federal government in the event restrictions are placed or a lock down happens. This letter is to be kept in my car, I was told. It gives me (and every journalist) special permission to be out in the community if we are all quarantined.  It states I am "providing emergency communications and.... support to critical communications infrastructure facilities in response to: COVID-19 Declaration of National Emergency."

The TikTok + this letter stopped me long enough to grieve for a moment - to grieve the life I was living before March 11.

I still can't get my head around it all.  My heart is with every patient infected and their families.  It is with health care workers, risking everything they have to provide care. One thing I do know, is while we are apart, we actually need each other more than ever before.  No matter where we've been or how much we may disagree, now is the time for unity in our fight against an enemy that doesn't care who's side we're on.

I believe there is a light in the distance.  And it's going to shine brighter every day through this darkness.  But that light will need us to show how kind and caring we can really be right now.  It will need to see values that sweep past our differences, aiming to serve one another.  It will require vigilance over stupidity.  Persistence and patience through pain.  This virus really might be what unifies us.

I do believe one day soon, those TikTok dances I both love and hate will again be all over my daughter's feed and I won't need a letter to walk -or drive- the streets of the community I love.

Why I'm Paying Attention to Covid19

I'm a broadcast journalist by trade.  I've been a reporter now for 27 years.  Through the years, I've covered tragedy, natural disaster, death. I don't typically panic, nor am I a fearful person.  But I am deeply concerned about the coronavirus and Covid19.  Here's why.

A few weeks ago, I interviewed a state infectious disease expert, who told me that coronavirus is highly contagious, spread by droplets, and it was only a matter of time before it arrived in Arkansas. She was right. As of today, there are 6 patients with presumptively positive test results.  One of them is a child.  There are also countless people who've been in contact with these 6 people.  All of them are now in self-quarantine. There will be more...

We have no defense against coronavirus as a society.  There is no vaccine.  We have no immunity because it's "novel." And you can spread it even when you have no symptoms.  That makes the coronavirus much more dangerous than the flu.  Hardly anyone with the flu is asymptomatic.  They are plainly sick.  But you can spread the coronavirus and never come down with the illness. Coronavirus is most lethal to those in their 70s, 80s, and 90s, along with people who have chronic disease or compromised immunity.

I'm less worried about me, but I'm worried I could carry the virus unknowingly and infect someone who is infirm.

I've heard a number of people say, "this is blown out of proportion," or "the flu kills more people." First, the cancellations and "social distancing" are actions we should all welcome.  These measures are being taken not because Covid19 already happened here, but instead because health experts are working to change the outcome of this pandemic.  Their wish is to reduce the impact in our state.  Arkansas' Health Secretary Dr. Nathaniel Smith said, "we want to interrupt transmission before it occurs." It is a fact that containment stops the spread of virus.  Second, coronavirus vs. influenza is not a fair comparison (see paragraph 3 above).  We are no where near seeing what coronavirus' impact will be in Arkansas or America. We don't know how many will end up infected or how many will die.  Also, experts say we are at least two of years from a truly effective vaccine. 

So, I'm troubled by Covid19's arrival in Arkansas.  By no means am I panicked.  Nor do I suggest you panic.  But vigilance is required. Wash your hands frequently.  Greet each other with a smile instead of a hug or hand shake.  Stay home. Be positive.  And please be well, my friends.  We desperately need each other, we need unity, to make it through this.