The things people say (and why they don't matter)

Since I announced I’m leaving television news at the end of 2020, people have said all kinds of crazy things to me. 

One friend specifically felt the need to warn me, saying  I will lose people I consider “friends” because, as he put it, “they’ll have no use for you anymore since you’re not in a powerful position on TV.”  Really?! I thought.  Another shared that they felt I “had it all” and questioned why on earth I would ever give up a coveted spot on-air.  Others have asked me if I think this is a smart thing to do in the middle of a pandemic. 

Honestly, none of this is a surprise to me.  As a single mom with a very public job, people have felt the urge to say anything they wanted to me over the years.  But I’ve actually already thought about what they've recently said before they even said it.  I figure, I’ll find out who is true and supportive - and who isn't.  And yes, it’s a risk!  But what’s riskier to me is NOT making the move.  Being home with my children while broadcasting from my living room showed me exactly the risk of me not being there. Plus, I will be working (I have to!).  I'll just be doing something that gives more flexibility. My children deserve to have me as much as they can. The pandemic taught so many of us that nothing is more important than home and family.  

What’s been so beautiful, though, is that aside from the skeptics, so many more friends, much to my great appreciation, shared that they believe this is 100% the right move.  One friend told me she thought it was the best decision I could’ve made, and she GAINED respect for me for choosing children as my number one priority. 

This decision has not come without fear, though.  Daily news is what I’ve known for 25 years of my life.  That is more than half of my time on earth!  I’ve been with one station for 21 of those years, and my heart is tied there.  Tied to viewers, to amazing co-workers, and to managers who worked with me to create a workable schedule.  I lived through so much there. My work was a refuge during tough times in my personal life.  It's been a second home with a work family who laughs and cries with me.  I grew up there, and my children grew up as “TV kids.”  Before the pandemic, I recall we were at a restaurant.  A random man walked up to our table, and as he was en route, my son warned, “Mom, strange viewer-person coming behind you on your left.”  The man wasn’t strange at all.  He kindly shared gratitude for my commitment to children in foster care, then left us alone.  But it pointed out a sobering truth for me, even back then. My kids have had to share me with so many people we don't even know, and even worse for them, they’ve known their place.  Number one in my heart, but number two when it came to the hours of 2:30p until nearly 8p.  Evening news dominated those hours, and nothing about that would ever change.  

I never believed until now that I had another choice. But through the coronavirus pandemic, we’ve learned there’s choice and flexibility in so many things.  We choose our attitude before we ever get out of bed. We choose gratitude, or we focus on what we don’t have.  We choose action or complaint. We choose fear or love.  We choose whether we trust in God when something new is dreamt and placed on our hearts.  We choose how to spend the precious hours each of us has been given.  We’ve all seen that if we aren’t creative and resilient during these outrageous times, we won’t make it. We’ve learned what matters to each of us.  

Initially, when we first heard the words “covid nineteen,” some of us thought, “this is the end.”  For some, it has been, in such a heartbreaking way.  For others who wondered if it really was the end, it was an opportunity to re-define who we are and where our focus belongs. Mine is on “home” and a son and daughter who are now #1 every day, every hour of the day. 

With that as my priority, does it really matter if a lose a friend based on whether I’m on TV?  Do I really have it all if what's important is out of line? If I don’t make a change now, then when? 

We have one go around (I think).  I have to believe at the end of mine, I won’t be wishing I spent more hours on television and will simply wish I had more time home, with the ones who matter most. 

Rooted

I've started typing this so many times.

I have opened this blog countless times since the pandemic and

I have writer's block, and I can't figure out

Okay, 2020.  Stop already.  

Covid, take a seat. We're sick of you.

I don't even know what this blog post will be about - or where it will lead. Or whether it will be worth reading.  But I suppose that is just our new way of being right now.  Don't know where we're collectively headed.  No clue when or how this will all end.  Fuzzy trying to envision what this will look like on the other side.

But I think I'm learning that is okay. 

Did we know where we were headed before the pandemic? Did we know where it would end?  Unless we're fortune tellers I don't think so..

It started to make me think... we are constantly grasping for solid ground, a sturdy foundation on which to stand. I think so many of us make the common mistake of finding our footing in:

• Good health
• A safe, secure job
• Financial security 
• Our children behaving properly
• Our family's health and happiness
• Routine
• A solid marriage or relationships

Yet if any of these are the basis for our 'base,' what happens when: the job goes away? When money is tight?  When we get a bad medical diagnosis? When our children are on a bad path or our loved one is sick? When routine falls to the wayside?

Placing it all on elements that could change at any moment, well, it's frankly a fragile way to define stability, and it just leaves us grasping.  

The pandemic forced all of us to answer tough questions. For me: "Where am I rooted? And it is steady?"  

I don't think I'm alone in saying that 2020 year has pushed us to the edge. Anxiety looms. Fear is in the air.  The end seems nowhere in sight. There's fighting over what's truth and what's not.  Few of us are certain of what to believe or where we stand. I feel like it's more important than ever before for each of us to ask that one question: where am I rooted? 

Perhaps the pandemic is pushing us to evolve.  Perhaps it's asking each of us to reflect on how we are living on our lives, who we are loving, where we are spending our time and energy.  

And these are good questions to ask.

Because here's the thing. If each of us grows ourselves, it adds to the collective growth of our society. And who doesn't agree that our society needs to mature right now? 

I'm still answering the question.  But one of my answers shifted my perspective so dramatically that my heart and my soul are forever changed.  And for me, it all revolves around home and family, a re-thinking of my role at home and the privilege it is to shape tiny, growing lives.

Where am I rooted?... 

.. a question worth answering. After all, it was Winston Churchill who said, "Never let a good crisis go to waste."

When Life Gives You Lemons...

I officially lost it.  

Yes.  Yelling.  Things I said that I really wish I could take back.  Yes.  In front of the children.  

I don’t want to admit this to anyone.  It’s embarrassing.  It feels dark.  It feels shameful.  I really wish it hadn’t happened.  

But I can’t help but think I’m not the only mom losing it about right now.  I can’t help but feel I’m not the only one sandwiched between these beautiful children (who are about to crawl out of their skin they’re so sick of being cooped up) and elderly parents (who remain shut-in per my orders).  

The string of underlying angst is more than all of us can bear.  Not only are we coming apart in our homes - homes that have become gyms, schools, restauarants, and  salons - we walk out side, terrified to get too close to a neighbor and literally jumping back at the grocery story if you round the corner and nearly run into someone.  

How and where is the peace of mind?   

It’s just doesn’t seem to be “out there” right now.  Not in our culture.  And collectively, we are weary.  We are tired.  Exhausted.  We see no end in sight.  

Everyone is grieving something.  Whether it’s a precious human being, or a job, or a sport, or a teacher, or a friend, or a place - and no one’s grief is greater than anyone else’s.  It may seem trite to mourn not being able to see a friend or not being able to retire as soon as you’d hoped when someone you know  just lost their father or mother or sister to this wretched virus.  But your grief is just as real.  

Anyway, back to the meltdown.  It was over Snapchat.  OF ALL THE THINGS!  It’s usually always something small and insignificant though when you’re dealing with heaviness, right? 

My daughter is too young for it, but she’s close in age to the time we allowed our son to have it.  She begged and begged.  We broke down and said “yes,” and there was an immediate breaking-of-the-rules. So I did what every great mother in the history of good mothers did and LOST MY SH*%!! 

I took back Snapchat moments after I’d given it (which I should’ve never relented and allowed in the first place). I screamed all kinds of things, then got very upset and down over my outburst.  And since there’s no leaving the house, the children were privy to it all. 

This morning, I “pleaded the coronavirus,” when we gathered to discuss the series of unfortunate events. I apologized and tried my very best to point out my parenting failure and mistakes and use it as a learning opportunity - to say that none of us is perfect, these are uncertain times, and, while it’s not okay to react as I did, we can all do our best to understand that we will ALL probably have at least one fall-apart before it’s all over with.

When I called to confess and cry to my aunt (I trust her with my entire life, by the way), the first thing she said was, “Where is your gratitude, sweetie?  Where is your grace?”  I burst into tears.  My gratitude and grace had disappeared.  Went away with all the peace of mind that’s gone too.  But in that same moment, I realized that peace of mind is within.  So is the gratitude.. so is the grace. I’ve spent this day counting up every single thing I could be grateful for.  And in every moment I began to beat myself up (with the WORST of self-talk) over what had happened, I just stopped and said the word “grace.”  G-R-A-C-E.  Courteous goodwill.  Divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration.  

So, right now, I offer to you what she offered to me.  Gratitude and grace.  Drop the level of expectation right now.  Let go of what was. Be thankful for what is, even if it’s just the air you breathe in this very moment.  Allow yourself peace of mind.  Give yourself grace for where you are right now.  Because you’re right where you’re supposed to be.  We all are. 

xoxo 

TikTok, An Access Letter & Our Invisible Enemy

It took a TikTok video to finally send me into tears.  TikTok.  The app I've grown to both love and hate.

Since March 11, when the pandemic showed it's ugly face in my community, it's been a non-stop rush to calmly inform, uncover and report facts to thousands of people who rely on me everyday.  Not fear-based, incorrect, shrill information.  Just the plain 'ole truth.  These days it takes some real thoughtfulness and digging to actually find it.  Needless to say, there really hasn't been a moment for me to stop to process what this all means.

Until I saw the 25 second TikTok..

I was home with my children.  Thankfully, they've been decently proactive about getting their schoolwork done.  It's going pretty well!  It took some adjusting in the first couple of days, but we're are trying for somewhat of a routine at this point.  Honestly, it's utter chaos! And that's okay.  But we are doing our best..  aren't we all?

Anyway, we were all home a couple nights ago, and I'd been rushing to update the growing number of people infected in our community with this invisible enemy.  My daughter came up to me, and excitedly said, "Mom! Look at the TikTok I made."

Thinking it would be one of these weird, viral dances their generation posts, I sluggishly looked away from my phone - to her phone- except this time, I was stunned.

Her post read, "My last year at Forest Park (elementary school), and I might not get to finish it 😢😢 I love you so much FP! Thank you for my great years here.."  The song lyrics "You Were Good To Me," accompanied photos of my sweetest girl with her best friends from the first day of school, until now.

Now.

What is "now" anyway?  This new reality, this new way of living, this new thing called "social-distancing."  This disruption and utter removal of all things we thought made life fun, worth living.  No March Madness.  Just a new madness.  Friends of ours now unemployed.  Friends with family in nursing facilities infected with thing we cannot see, hear, or touch - keeping us all from touching each other.  Her first day of school -living our old normal - up until now.

Her beautiful post showed me that the most basic, taken-for-granted things - as simple as the school bell every morning, daily friendships on the playground, a last school year at a beloved elementary - those things are gone for her.

The next day at the television station, I was given my "access letter" from the federal government in the event restrictions are placed or a lock down happens. This letter is to be kept in my car, I was told. It gives me (and every journalist) special permission to be out in the community if we are all quarantined.  It states I am "providing emergency communications and.... support to critical communications infrastructure facilities in response to: COVID-19 Declaration of National Emergency."

The TikTok + this letter stopped me long enough to grieve for a moment - to grieve the life I was living before March 11.

I still can't get my head around it all.  My heart is with every patient infected and their families.  It is with health care workers, risking everything they have to provide care. One thing I do know, is while we are apart, we actually need each other more than ever before.  No matter where we've been or how much we may disagree, now is the time for unity in our fight against an enemy that doesn't care who's side we're on.

I believe there is a light in the distance.  And it's going to shine brighter every day through this darkness.  But that light will need us to show how kind and caring we can really be right now.  It will need to see values that sweep past our differences, aiming to serve one another.  It will require vigilance over stupidity.  Persistence and patience through pain.  This virus really might be what unifies us.

I do believe one day soon, those TikTok dances I both love and hate will again be all over my daughter's feed and I won't need a letter to walk -or drive- the streets of the community I love.

Why I'm Paying Attention to Covid19

I'm a broadcast journalist by trade.  I've been a reporter now for 27 years.  Through the years, I've covered tragedy, natural disaster, death. I don't typically panic, nor am I a fearful person.  But I am deeply concerned about the coronavirus and Covid19.  Here's why.

A few weeks ago, I interviewed a state infectious disease expert, who told me that coronavirus is highly contagious, spread by droplets, and it was only a matter of time before it arrived in Arkansas. She was right. As of today, there are 6 patients with presumptively positive test results.  One of them is a child.  There are also countless people who've been in contact with these 6 people.  All of them are now in self-quarantine. There will be more...

We have no defense against coronavirus as a society.  There is no vaccine.  We have no immunity because it's "novel." And you can spread it even when you have no symptoms.  That makes the coronavirus much more dangerous than the flu.  Hardly anyone with the flu is asymptomatic.  They are plainly sick.  But you can spread the coronavirus and never come down with the illness. Coronavirus is most lethal to those in their 70s, 80s, and 90s, along with people who have chronic disease or compromised immunity.

I'm less worried about me, but I'm worried I could carry the virus unknowingly and infect someone who is infirm.

I've heard a number of people say, "this is blown out of proportion," or "the flu kills more people." First, the cancellations and "social distancing" are actions we should all welcome.  These measures are being taken not because Covid19 already happened here, but instead because health experts are working to change the outcome of this pandemic.  Their wish is to reduce the impact in our state.  Arkansas' Health Secretary Dr. Nathaniel Smith said, "we want to interrupt transmission before it occurs." It is a fact that containment stops the spread of virus.  Second, coronavirus vs. influenza is not a fair comparison (see paragraph 3 above).  We are no where near seeing what coronavirus' impact will be in Arkansas or America. We don't know how many will end up infected or how many will die.  Also, experts say we are at least two of years from a truly effective vaccine. 

So, I'm troubled by Covid19's arrival in Arkansas.  By no means am I panicked.  Nor do I suggest you panic.  But vigilance is required. Wash your hands frequently.  Greet each other with a smile instead of a hug or hand shake.  Stay home. Be positive.  And please be well, my friends.  We desperately need each other, we need unity, to make it through this.

In Mourning

Millions of people never even met Kobe Bryant. Yet the entire nation is in mourning. Why is it that we grieve the death of someone we never knew? 

Absolutely, it is one of those moments in life.  You'll never forget where you were when you heard the news that Kobe Bryant died in a helicopter crash. 

Maybe you cried. I did. 

Maybe it kept you awake last night...

..the death of a man who for all practical purposes was a stranger to you.

 But here's the thing, though. Kobe wasn’t a stranger. He was in our homes, on our screens, and he was doing BIG things.  Things we could all get behind.  Things that made us feel we were part of something more. 

I watched Kobe Bryant play at the Staples Center back in 2003. He and Shaquille O’Neal were the Greats. The Giants. (Little known fact: I attended LSU for one year in 1989-1990. I used to see Shaq around campus. I wasn't a huge basketball fan back then, and I really didn’t realize who or what I was witnessing at that time. But... there was just something about him that was almost unreal). It was the same when I saw Kobe play. They were superstars.

Maybe you’ve seen him play too. Maybe not. Doesn’t really matter, because -regardless- his death seems to have packed a real punch.  Why is that?

Is it because Kobe was so larger-than-life, that we just assumed he was truly unstoppable, even in death?  Maybe we hold some collective belief -some hope in this existence- that someone so Great really will live-on forever.  But death is always the great equalizer. The one thing we can count on. Rich, poor. Well known or not. It’s coming for us all...

Maybe it’s that it wasn’t just him. It was his daughter Gianna, too. Maybe it’s those images of him coaching her, hugging her, kissing her head her forehead with such pride. Maybe it's the way he poured himself into her and focused on her potential as a player. Maybe it’s the parent in us who grieves, who thinks about GiGi's mother having lost both her husband and a daughter in one instant. 

Or maybe it’s just that we all do what Kobe Bryant did that morning. What John and Keri Altobelli did.  What Sarah Chester did.  What Christina Mauser did.  We all leave the house. The people we love leave the house. We live.  We work.  We breathe.  And we’re all expected to return home safely that night.  But Kobe didn’t return. GiGi didn’t.  John, Keri, Sarah, Christina, Alyssa, Payton, and Ara Zobayan (the pilot) didn't return home. Maybe that’s why we cry.  Because it could've just as easily been one of us yesterday...

Maybe it’s that he simply inspired us. Think about that. Let that soak in for a moment. If a person you don’t even know inspired you, think what you can do for another human being?

Kobe said it himself:  "The most important thing is to try and inspire people so that they can be great at whatever they want to do." 

Be that.

Take this tragedy, and inspire someone, somewhere, somehow today.  

And squeeze the people you love just a little harder.  Don't miss the chance to tell them you love them.  

You never know when your time -or theirs- will come.